Friday, February 12, 2010

It's none of your d*mn business!

A little while ago, I saw some family for lunch. I hadn't seen my family over Christmas, and since my family is relatively low-key and I'm the 10th cousin to get married, I wasn't expecting a lot of wedding planning questions. Then suddenly one well-meaning member of the family after another asked questions about the wedding. When I changed the subject, it shifted to my career. Neither of these were things I really wanted any input on. Especially when the subject of officiants came up. Especially because we hadn't even talked about it. It was on the to-do list for March! When I tried to say that we were just started the hunt, the flood of religious discussion started.

It was actually more awkward to be asked about religion than pretty much anything else. We don't talk about it a lot, because I feel that it is personal. There is actually almost nothing I am more uncomfortable talking about. So being asked about it at lunch at a table full of well-meaning but varied-opinion family members was, well, disarming. The problem was also I think that some people realized it was making me uncomfortable and so they tried to change the subject and it just got even more awkward.

My uncle tried to bail me out by telling me that I didn't need religion if it made me uncomfortable - that we should just invite a judge out to perform the ceremony, like he did. And that's when I started to feel like there is no "right" answer to the ceremony question - that no matter what we decide that we want, there will always be somebody else who thinks that their way is better.

I think that the answers in the future will be one of two options - the first being, decide everything wedding related now, which isn't really an option; and the second being, lie. Simply say, like parents-to-be, "yes, we have a baby name, but we're not telling anyone until after the birth." Just say, "we have somebody in mind, but since it's our decision and it's not up for discussion, we'd rather not say who it is." Then do the same with every other decision that might illicit advice or input. "Yes, we've picked a menu but we want it to be a surprise."

How do you respond to the inquiries of the people you love dearly?


  1. With almost everything wedding related, we try our best to ignore opinions of others to make sure we have what we want for the wedding.

    When it comes to religion... we lie. A lot. Haha, it's terrible, I know but with I am super close with my grandparents and they are mega Pentecostal religious and if they ever found out that the Mr. was agnostic, our world would probably come to an end. And I'm not even exaggerating. Once we found out that it's not legal to get a friend ordained to perform the ceremony in our province, we decided to go with a minister who is friends of my grandparents. Although we're keeping the religious content to a minimum because of the Mr., I am strong in my faith and I definitely want elements of that to be incorporating. When my grandparents flat out asked if our ceremony would be religious, we said yes. Because a) it's (pretty much) the truth and b) I think it would break their hearts to find out I'm marrying someone "without faith". I would love to be honest and open with them, but I want to stay close to them more. Talk about a rock and a hard place...

  2. Awkward. Hate that. I usually just try to change the subject.. although I see that didn't really work for you.

  3. I usually cry and panic. But that doesn't help. I love your "lie" answer.

  4. Ugh, I know what you mean. I am for all practical purposes an atheist which makes things awkward with most people, and while my family doesn't really care about my religious beliefs or about the wedding plans in general (I mean, they care, but they want us to do what's right for us, thank God), my fiance's family is very Jewish and VERY opinionated. We're just starting the planning process, and we've got a long engagement, so I haven't had to deal with much yet, but the day will come when I have to tell them that there are A LOT of people who they want to be invited and who are not going to be, and I'm not looking forward to it. I like your lying suggestion, and I think I will use it as much as I can, but there are some things we can't really lie about, and we're just going to have to try to be firm about what we want. Sighhhhhh.