I genuinely feel that I would fit in well on the 'bee (if I was accepted, as only 5% of applicants are), and I would love the opportunity to write for a wider audience and share some of what I've been writing about here, especially feminism and social consciousness in wedding planning, plus crafts and color inspiration and all that other fuzzy wedding stuff.
But then there's this, and this. And there's some other stuff too, like that we started this blog on the idea that both of us write for it, as partners and equals and teammates in this nonesense. And Mark told me flat out that he wouldn't write for Weddingbee and he wouldn't let them pull any of his posts. (Which includes, among other things, our DIY STD posts and some bigger DIY projects we have coming up.) I respect his choice and it is his writing, therefore that is his choice to make.
He also pointed out that I have to take the bar exam in June/July and I don't want to be worrying about posting then. He knows it's on him to take over then, and he's ready for it, but that wouldn't be re-posted to the 'bee, so I would feel the need to write posts as well.
And I was torn and upset, and then I saw the post by Miss Gingham resigning because it was more of a time commitment than she had thought it would be. I thought about rehashing our entire journey for the 'bee - our Save the Dates, our venue hunt, my waffling on the bouquet. I haven't even had the energy to write about our catering search here, because it was so exhausting. Yes, 8 months is where most of the planning/projects really starts, but there would have been a bit of going back. I also hate the idea of pulling from our 400+ posts that we have here and deciding what was "worthy" of going up on the 'bee.
I also didn't want to risk not being the "owner" of my writing (there is nothing about ownership currently in the guidelines for applying); and another thing is that when Weddingbee was just a small business owned by Mrs. Bee, I was fine with the writers being volunteers. But it bothers me that in the eHarmony sale, there is no compensation offered to the writers. Another reason is that frankly, I'm not thick skinned enough to handle negative comments. I love our readers because they are always so positive (I mean, honestly, I think that most of you subscribed and then ignore my posts) and while writing to a broader audience would be great, I would feel the need to respond to comments and read all of the comments, and there would be more negative comments. There would be comments telling me that my hair flower is tacky, that I should sell my dress and buy my dream dress that costs twice my rent; that we should serve meat at our wedding. These comments would either make me feel crappy or make me question everything we had decided already. There would be comments asking me to stop politicizing weddings by talking so much about gay marriage (the personal is political, people!)
Then the sea creatures came out. But there is no Miss Clownfish, so I didn't cry, and at the moment I feel fairly firm in my decision to not apply. I may apply after the bar, because I'll have more time (especially because I'm currently unemployed), but for now, I'm staying put. Instead of joining the 'bee, some of us are talking about creating our own little feminist blogging collective (more on that soon, and please comment if you would be interested in joining!) And that's something I'm really excited. about, and Mark is really supportive of. So stay tuned on that.
I wanted to talk about this because I know that there are other people out there waffling with the same decision. I also wanted to mention it because I know there are some people who have been wondering whether I would apply. Have you had this same kind of conflict? What did your partner think about your wanting to apply?