Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Fair Share?

It seems to me that recently everybody's weddings have been falling apart a bit on them, from people not showing up to items being lost or destroyed for the wedding.  I read their posts and tweets and think, "but it will be okay. It was okay for us, and we had our fair share of problems."

Then I rethink that statement.  Because you know what?  At the end of the day, we didn't have our fair share of problems.  We had something like three guests back out at the last minute, one because she had massive health problems and one because of childcare issues.  My grandmother couldn't make it, but when she moved to Colorado, I knew she wasn't coming to the wedding.  I lost my makeup three weeks before the wedding, but fortunately, I had been keeping my expensive "wedding makeup" separate and supplemented the rest with Target makeup.  (Sure, I had a total nervous breakdown at Target trying to figure out what kind of blush to buy, but that's neither here nor there.)

Sure, I spent three weeks before the wedding up to my elbows in crafts, wondering how it would get done.  But I'm lucky - firstly, I wasn't working at all, secondly, I'm crafty, and thirdly, I used to throw events for work.  So I knew what had to get done, how to prioritize, how to make sure it all happened, how to wrangle people, what to give up.  Sure, our printer Refused To Work several times right before the wedding, and that was a problem.  But if we hadn't had programs, it wouldn't have been the end of the world.  They were wrong anyway.  And it wasn't the end of the world.

But these are all small-time problems.  Blips on the radar of the larger problems surrounding weddings.  Compared to the massive family drama, the religion discussions, the dealing-with-divorced/dead/spiteful parents that some people are doing, we just didn't have it.  Plain and simple, we were lucky.  Lucky that our families got along, that our parents like each other, that our sisters worked well together, that bridesmaid sniping was kept to a minimum, that all my bridesmaids knew better than to tell me if anything was wrong.  Lucky that the morning of the wedding dawned with the perfect sunshine that my grandmother promised, lucky that my Dad was able to get sewing kits from the hotel and find my makeup in my sister's car.  We were lucky that we had an army of people who came out and set up and cleaned up.

So while I can't tell you all that everything will be alright with respect to your weddings, I will tell you that yes, some of you have more than your fair share of problems.  And it sucks, big time.  All I can tell you is, it's been more than six months since we got married, and when I wrote this post, I really had to wrack my brain to think about all the things that went wrong.  So yes, eventually this will all, good and bad, be behind you.  Just breathe and get through it.  Solve one crises at a time, then move quickly to the next.  But put everything down the day before the wedding and have a good time with the people that love you, and just try to keep the rest as far away from you as you can.


  1. In theory, I think this is a good post because most wedding drama does disappear. But, no offense, obviously the reason you had to really wrack your brain to think of things that went wrong was because you didn't have much go wrong. For the brides with family drama and everything else, hearing you say not much went wrong and then encouraging the idea that it all fades may not be that comforting. For a lot of brides, they won't have to wrack their brain and drama will stick with them for a long time. For you, no, but that's because it didn't happen in the first place.

  2. Lara, obviously it won't all fade. But it will be behind you. Some people will hang onto the pain because they can, because they think it's healthy, and some people will let it go. I've met people who have been through unbelievable wedding trauma, some people who have managed to let it go and get past it, and some people who have let it poison their relationships and shape their marriage.

    My family threw me an engagement party, and it caused weeks of heartbreaking drama, the kind others see with their weddings. It caused the kind of drama that made me block it all out, the kind of drama I can't even really talk about, that completely changed my relationship with certain members of my family, that made me want to run the hell away. But it's been two years, we've repaired the relationships that could be repaired, and moved on. I think it's harder when it's a wedding, not just a party, but it's still going to be a matter of getting past it and letting go.

  3. "Some people will hang onto the pain because they can, because they think it's healthy, and some people will let it go."

    I agree.

  4. Our worst problem was a missing groomsman... Karl's childhood friend got stuck in Idaho due to a snowstorm. So after the highway reopened, a couple of days later, he tried driving to the nearest open airport, 3 hours away. And got into a car accident due to black ice (he totaled his car, but he was fine). That's when he gave up.

    Did Karl miss his one childhood friend coming to the wedding on his wedding day? Absolutely! But did it make the day any less special? Absolutely not. My brother just got to walk the aisle twice to accompany the now alone bridesmaid (who still jokes that she was abandoned at the altar!).